Peace

The house is quiet. The rain is dripping from the gutters. The wind plays beautiful music on the wind chimes. It grounds me.

Dreams

We have now lived in our house for just over a year. This time last year, we were just spending our first nights in our new home, surrounded by boxes, newspapers, and sparse walls. We had lots of dreams in our heads. Since then we have made improvements. Rooms were painted. Furniture was found for the back yard. Plants have been adopted, and kept alive. A fire pit was built. Family and friends were entertained.

Storage has been added. Boxes remain. We have yet to find a home for our books. It will feel even more like home when the books can breathe.

Here we face our second year. What is in store for us and our new home? A new pet? A new building project? A garden?

And in our minds, dreams for a future.

Been a homebody lately. Buying and repotting plants, learning how to care for them, saving seeds to plant in the spring. Welcoming the fall. It's beautiful here.

Content

I am at a point in my life where I feel content. I enjoy having L here with us. I like having people in the house. I am looking forward to Halloween and decorating. To going trick-or-treating. I enjoy my books.

We finally added something of our own to the house. We built a fire pit one night, on the spur of the moment. Our neighbors must think we're crazy. They are probably right.

We built a fire the first night. It was so peaceful to sit under the stars. Then later that week, L and his girlfriend were home. We all sat outside around the fire, toasted marshmallows and made smores. I love fall. I love the cool air, the crunchy, colorful leaves, and the smell of fire. I can't wait to decorate our house for Halloween and hand out candy to the neighorhood kids. Life is good.

Just a Little Shaky.

I seem to have leveled out mostly. I just get a little jittery right after I take a pill. My sleep schedule is a little off, but that's normal for working night shift.

I'm ready to go back to work now, and see how it goes.

I am also dreading the dosage increase on Thursday.

The Beginning

Yesterday morning, before going to bed, J suggested I call and make an appointment with my doctor. I've been trying to summon the courage to call somebody, anybody, for a while. I tried calling the only psychiatrists office in our town, but they are booked into July. I can't wait that long. So I called my primary doctor instead. He knows me.

I got an appointment for the afternoon. J went with me, but I asked him to wait in the waiting room. When the doctor walked in, he spoke to me in the most caring voice. He sat down and listened. And I just cried. I told him I just wasn't doing well, I am not coping. I have been fine for so long, but I am not any more. I told him I was giving in and going back to meds, and probably therapy. He agreed that both would be good, but we should start the meds as soon as possible to get me stabilized.

He gave me samples of Cymbalta and an appointment in 2 weeks. I felt so much relief because I can see the possibility of happiness.

I took the first pill at 4 o'clock yesterday afternoon. Within 2 hours, I felt slightly nauseated and a little dizzy. I was extremely sleepy, though, from missing my normal sleep time.

I came home and crawled into bed. I couldn't get comfortable. I couldn't stop moving. When I finally fell asleep, I couldn't stay asleep. Finally I got up after just a few hours. I sat at my laptop, unable to focus, unable to be still, the room seemed to be spinning. I felt like I was tweaking.

We went for a walk to burn off the energy. I came back so extremely exhausted. For dinner, I had to fight the gag reflex that tends to come with these meds. Never vomiting, just always feeling like I will.

I finally got more sleep last night. I feel somewhat disconnected, and still unable to stay completely still. I don't know about work the next couple of days. We will see. Right now I am just taking this as it comes. I will ride it out and hope for the best.

Maybe meds really can bring happiness.

i'm sorry.

I have a lot to apologize for. I have not been the wife I should have been. I have not been the person I should have been. I have let this depression go too far, for too long. I have maintained in most areas in my life. But those closest to me? The ones that are the most forgiving? They were somehow the easiest to let down, and I have hurt them the most.

I'm sorry. I'm trying.