How Did It Go?

J had his interview this weekend. From what I can tell, it went OK. I think he was/is really nervous about it, and is second guessing himself. But from the sounds of it, he answered the questions well. Now he has to take the GRE, and we wait.

I also went to see my grandmother this weekend. It was short. She looks a lot older. She was slumped far down in her chair, and she looked unkempt. Its hard to tell why. It could be that the staff wasn't expecting her to have a visitor that day. It could have been that she wouldn't let them do anything with her. She used to refuse baths when she lived at home. I don't think she gets as much of a choice now.

She didn't recognize me at first. I didn't really expect her to. She can barely see any more, and my looks have changed quite a bit over the last few years. She asked if I was still working. I asked when was the last time my uncle had been by to see her. She said it had been a while. He travels to Kentucky to work during the week, "and he makes $25 and hour!" I didn't have the heart to tell her that I make more than that, without shift differential, without overtime. She probably wouldn't listen or care anyway.

So we are home. Stinky missed us. He danced around with a piece of rawhide. Poor baby, probably thought we had left him forever.

I still haven't been back to work. I have been extremely tired and unmotivated this week. Sunday night we went and saw Cloud Cult play. I had never even heard of them, but we all loved it, and I now own several of their CDs. Monday we just needed a night to veg. It was nice. Last night we had every intention of going to work. Then I was having trouble sleeping. Then we planned on just working eight hours. We ended up staying home.

I'm getting really stressed about staying home. I worry about the money I could be making, the money I need to pay bills and get ahead and install a french drain. But I feel so dark. I don't want to interact with people. I don't want to take care of the house. I don't want to go anywhere. It's an accomplishment to go take a shower.

And then there are days like today. I need to sleep. I have to work tonight, and the rest of the week. I have to. There are no choices. I have to make money. I was exhausted on the couch, so I went to bed. As soon as I drifted off to sleep, something woke me up. Now I am wide awake. I laid in bed for a while trying to sleep. I can't. And for every minute that I am awake today, I get more anxious. For my lack of sleep, for the stress of working, for the exhaustion I will have to function with tonight. And with the growing anxiety, I get further from sleep.

These are signs of my depression. The inability to stay awake at times, then the inability to fall asleep.

Good Morning

There is something nice about waking up early in the morning. Now don't get me wrong, I don't usually enjoy it. But this morning, I woke up on my own a little before 5am. And I didn't die. I woke up feeling rested. The house is quiet, even though J and Stinky got up with me. I feel like I have all the time in the world. I know that I can take my time checking email (not like I don't do that anyway), take a nice long shower, straighten my hair, pack, and even straighten up the house before we leave today, and still have most of the day before me and not feel like we are racing the clock to get somewhere.

It's a nice feeling. I may need a nap this afternoon, but I feel like I will have time for that as well. And now we can go to bed at a decent hour tonight and get up early in time for J's interview tomorrow.

Now It's Not So Scary.

J got a call from the doctor today. Turns out the X-ray didn't show any pneumonia. Now they think he just has an upper respiratory infection. So he's still sick, and still feels like crap most of the time, but it isn't nearly so scary.

Tomorros, we drive.

Sick.

I still haven't gone to work this week. J is still sick, and tonight we will probably stay home to continue in the quest to readjust our schedules to coincide with normal people.

J has been sick for the past, oh, I don't know, three or four weeks-ish. First it was basic cold stuff. We all had it. Mine was mostly sinuses. Then it cleared up for me and the brother-in-law, but J just kept on sniffling. Then last Monday, he said it felt like it just settled in his chest. Then the hacking began. It sounded awful. Even as a nurse, with all the gross things I deal with, I hate the sound of coughing, especially when it is productive. This was bad. But I love him, so I lived with it.

Then that Wednesday night his sats were down. The respiratory therapists heard him coughing and went to find the source. They checked him out and even gave him an updraft, which made him feel even worse. So Thursday we trekked into the doctor's office to get him checked out. He was seen as a walk-in, thankfully, because otherwise I was taking him to the ER. They did a chest X-ray, which showed a little bit of bronchitis. It also showed an enlarged heart. That is troubling, although not entirely unexpected. He has high blood pressure, which is now well controlled. But we don't know how long his heart has been this big. This is the first time anybody has ever done a chest X-ray on him, which I find hard to believe. I also feel a large amount of disappointment in our medical system that this wasn't done before.

So we left with antibiotics, an inhaler (sweet Jesus those things are expensive), and Mucinex. Within a couple of days he was feeling better. Then the antibiotics ran out. The cough came back. Back to the doctor. Now they say he has pneumonia. More antibiotics, more sprays, and another X-ray at an imaging center.

I'm tired. I'm off schedule. We still get to go for the interview this weekend. Hopefully, J will feel better then. He really needs to be at his best, even if his best is achieved with drugs right now.

I will get to go visit my grandmother while he is being interviewed. The one I am not crazy about. I know this, the visit will be quick. I am only going to fight off any guilt I have in the future when she dies. I will have seen her one last time.

Long Week

It is good to be home for a night or two. This has been such a long week. Monday, at work, we had dueling code rooms. Neither patient made it. Tuesday I finally admitted to my husband that I need help and I would be ok with it if he called someone and made me an appointment and just made me go. Otherwise I don't have the motivation when I really need to go, and don't feel I have a need to go when I am feeling good. Wednesday I had three patients all night, but my husband called and said his O2 sats were lower than they should be. Thursday we had him at the doctor and got some health news I wasn't expecting. More on that later, maybe. Friday? Not terrible. Then this morning I came home to beer cans and a beer pong table in my kitchen. Certain people are lucky to be alive after that one.

Now? My house isn't clean, but its not dirty either. It's "lived in", which is fine by me. Tomorrow, maybe a much needed haircut. Work a few days, then off to the CRNA interview with J. Hopefully this week will be better than the last.

Trapped

They brought me a patient this morning. Unresponsive, on the vent. Eyes open, just a reflex. Later, I went back in the room and his eyes were closed. I spoke, his eyes opened. They were so sad. He's still in there. But he can't move anything. Can even move away from pain. He is trapped in his own body.

He was there because he shot himself in the head.