i'm sorry.

I have a lot to apologize for. I have not been the wife I should have been. I have not been the person I should have been. I have let this depression go too far, for too long. I have maintained in most areas in my life. But those closest to me? The ones that are the most forgiving? They were somehow the easiest to let down, and I have hurt them the most.

I'm sorry. I'm trying.

Honeysuckle In Bloom

I love my back yard. Now that spring has come, I can sit out on my back porch and watch the sun go down. I smell the honeysuckle blooming just past our back fence. I watch birds fight over the same feeder, even though there are three more exactly like it. I can hear children laughing and screaming in the background, enjoying the last few minutes of sun before heading inside to baths and bed. The sound of their play lets me know that this is a neighborhood with life, and with hope.

Funk

I have been in such a funk lately. I want to get things done, but I just don't have the motivation to do them most of the time. My house is mostly clean, especially the revolving stuff like laundry and dishes, but my bathrooms aren't. And the dust? Oh my god, the dust. But I just don't get to it. I have been reading more, but I can't always focus on that either. And I feel like I am so out of touch with everybody. Even when I am being social, and in a group, I feel like I am floating out of myself, just watching it all happen instead of really being there. It's enough to make me wish for all the meds back.

But anyway, things have been busy around here. My M-I-L and I threw a shower for my husband's stepsister. Wow, that sounded complicated. She is getting married this Saturday. It was so quick, from the time of the announcement to the wedding date that most of the family has been asking when the baby's due. Classy, I tell ya, we are just so classy.

She has asked J and I to take pictures at the wedding. Both of us are kind of dreading it. She can tend to be a bit of a bridezilla, but you get what you pay for, and we're free, so I don't know what she thinks is going to happen. It should be interesting.

But for now, I am sitting by my open windows, listening to a light thunderstorm that has blown in. It's barely thundering, and the rain is just heavy enough, and constant. I've never been a fan of storms, but this one sounds absolutely tropical.