Agnostic in church

We spent this past weekend at my parents house. It wasn't bad. Mom cooks, I eat. We catch up on the people we know in common. I do my best to avoid discussing politics, and smile sweetly and nod when they discuss religion.

I haven't had the "religion" discussion with my parents yet. They may have some idea that I don't believe what they do, but they probably just think I have developed a temporary distaste for The Church, not permanently left it. I am currently dreading this conversation. I know it will happen. When there is a child involved. They will want to take it to church. Fine. They can take the child to visit their church. They will want the child to be taken to church regularly, for the ritual brainwashing. That will not happen. I want my child to be able to make the choice on their own. When they are old enough to understand. Not when they are young and can be scared into it.

My parents wanted my husband and I to go to their new church with them this weekend. They wanted everyone to be able to meet us. Fine. It really wasn't bad. Everyone was very friendly. I miss the social aspect of church, really. I just don't want to hang out with church people, per se.

Attending church at this point is daunting for me. I don't believe it, so I feel like a bit of a hypocrite for being there. On the other hand, if I am there and not participating, not going through the motions, I draw attention to myself. I may draw the attention of some well-meaning church-goer who feels the need to come and pray with me. So I go through the motions. Performing the minimum necessary to escape unnoticed. I know all the moves, and I know what to watch out for. I was involved in it for a long time. Twenty-two years actually.