How Did It Go?

J had his interview this weekend. From what I can tell, it went OK. I think he was/is really nervous about it, and is second guessing himself. But from the sounds of it, he answered the questions well. Now he has to take the GRE, and we wait.

I also went to see my grandmother this weekend. It was short. She looks a lot older. She was slumped far down in her chair, and she looked unkempt. Its hard to tell why. It could be that the staff wasn't expecting her to have a visitor that day. It could have been that she wouldn't let them do anything with her. She used to refuse baths when she lived at home. I don't think she gets as much of a choice now.

She didn't recognize me at first. I didn't really expect her to. She can barely see any more, and my looks have changed quite a bit over the last few years. She asked if I was still working. I asked when was the last time my uncle had been by to see her. She said it had been a while. He travels to Kentucky to work during the week, "and he makes $25 and hour!" I didn't have the heart to tell her that I make more than that, without shift differential, without overtime. She probably wouldn't listen or care anyway.

So we are home. Stinky missed us. He danced around with a piece of rawhide. Poor baby, probably thought we had left him forever.

I still haven't been back to work. I have been extremely tired and unmotivated this week. Sunday night we went and saw Cloud Cult play. I had never even heard of them, but we all loved it, and I now own several of their CDs. Monday we just needed a night to veg. It was nice. Last night we had every intention of going to work. Then I was having trouble sleeping. Then we planned on just working eight hours. We ended up staying home.

I'm getting really stressed about staying home. I worry about the money I could be making, the money I need to pay bills and get ahead and install a french drain. But I feel so dark. I don't want to interact with people. I don't want to take care of the house. I don't want to go anywhere. It's an accomplishment to go take a shower.

And then there are days like today. I need to sleep. I have to work tonight, and the rest of the week. I have to. There are no choices. I have to make money. I was exhausted on the couch, so I went to bed. As soon as I drifted off to sleep, something woke me up. Now I am wide awake. I laid in bed for a while trying to sleep. I can't. And for every minute that I am awake today, I get more anxious. For my lack of sleep, for the stress of working, for the exhaustion I will have to function with tonight. And with the growing anxiety, I get further from sleep.

These are signs of my depression. The inability to stay awake at times, then the inability to fall asleep.